I suppose I should write a real post on this thing now. However, I think that I will keep it short as it is pretty late and I have had a long day full of caffeine and exams and cheese-flavored snacks and things in German and people having sex in the woods. So interesting, sort of delusional day all in all.
Anyways, I guess I will just sort of sketch out what I am trying to accomplish with this blog, among other things I am doing in my life at the moment. This past semester has probably been the worst and best part of my life so far. The worst insofar as it totally sucked and I have been pretty miserable for all of it, but the best in that I have learned a lot about myself and what I want and what I think, and I think the thoughts that I have had and the decisions I have made in this period will really shape the rest of my life.
I guess you could say that I have become a very different person than the person I have been for a long time, but I don't know if that is patently true. I think it's really more that I have realized that I have been fooling myself into thinking I'm someone that I am not for essentially my entire life. I've always had this feeling of sort of being out of place, and I didn't have that so much at AU, but the people and atmosphere and attitudes at AU were so different than what I grew up with that I didn't want to think that I fit in. And so I ran away. I came here to North Park, to the traditions and expectations of my family that I thought I wanted to fulfill, and was suddenly shocked to realize that I am not at all the person that I thought I was supposed to become for all of these years and never wish to be. It was a bit of a surreal experience to actually be exposed for the first time to the reality of this little culture I grew up in of my church and my family and my friends, and while it has been kind of miserable, I am so glad I figured all of this out now so I can actually begin my life and trying to find out who I actually am.
That being said, one of the biggest things I have realized about my life is how false it has been, and how much pretense those around me put on. So I suppose the real goal of this blog, and my life, is to find out who this person called Emily Poor is, apart from anyone else. And I am discovering that that is much harder than it sounds. I am prying apart my life, stripping off the ugly paint, and trying to put it back together. That metaphor doesn't really work, but it's 2 AM. The point is, I am trying to be as authentic and real as possible and discover what the truth in my life really is. The end. Good night, I guess. I wonder if this will seem at all coherent to me in the morning.
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